i grazed pleasure, utopia, a good calling

today.

i dipped into a spiritual crises,

when flesh and spirit wrestled.

fallen, beaten: the devil came to me as me

how do i look?

and i found myself wanting me,

how could i not?

the devil shed a tear, i know

he said.

and heaven was stone, a gravestone

in my arms, i prayed and called, it was my calling you see

a one sided relationship.

for i held a treasure dear,

it was what i had ever known, forming years

when mother and daddy told me i was loved,

and then dreams ended,

please i called to go, let me not wake,

why wake up to a world of transactions,

everything weighed: like this weigh on my heart

to choose between what is obvious and what is philosophical,

cry, the therapist said, it is good to cry.

cry, the gangster said, it is a betrayal to the creed.

cry, my bff (who no longer remembered me) said, what for?

and i cried,

not for the therapist, gangster or bff (already erased)

it was for me, me, me

in a world full of you, you, you

silent me having to bear

then you say, isn’t this truth?

that we are all crying

and that the only thing of value is belief,

a hope.

hope. i have forgotten what i meant to clutch

hope, a star that meant a promise

shooting star, fleeing past me

hope … … and what is obvious is taken down,

the deep, the long suffering, pitched no where,

no one fights for the bottom.

it is the glamor, the diamond, the money that dazzles

how obvious.

and all the hurt, all the hurt, so much hurt

erased in the name of what is obvious, to me.

me, you. it’s just a name.

love me do you?

my child, my lover, my cherished ones

spurned all of life,

and then

a sinner wept and said,

do you forgive?

do you?

the jobs, the the ones who repented by the cross,

few and in between,

like lottery some say, the numbers mean little

when hope blazes.

is it me? is it me? have i?

gained heaven … … and heaven slipped by

a child left behind.

and it was not difficult for you to do

when you played god.

it did not seem wrong then did it?

did it?

did it?

did it?

i want the simple days,

when you did not lie, or was it ever that way?

simple times, before

the world got complicated.

that you would sell me for money,

i had a price, naive me, gullible me,

i could never grow up, and see the dirt you now hide.

grow up, you say,

that’s life

and i wondered where heaven is hidden within

you, is it still there?

is it?

is it?

is it?